ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
