I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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