Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
