I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
