so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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