you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
