He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
