I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
