I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
