it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
