Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
