Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
