Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
