I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
