why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
