I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
