opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
