Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
