My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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