there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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