Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize