Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
