Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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