Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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