I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
