Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
