True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
