Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
