life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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