What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
