Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
