I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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