first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize