Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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