I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
