I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
