just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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