Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
