just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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