She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
