Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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