Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
