She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
