just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What a dumb baby whore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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