why do cheetos always look like penises
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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