I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
