I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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