I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
