im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
