Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
