apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
