Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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