I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
