i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
