sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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