I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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