i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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