so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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