Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
