maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
