Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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