she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
