Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I could fuck to npr.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
