i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
