I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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