Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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