The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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