Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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