Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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